drinkdrankdrunk: "DIRT DICK AND THE MACHINE ELVES" by The Midnight Rider

if the linguistics professor at cashpoint went to my undergrad, they’d call him “dirt dick”… brotherman has a 7-year-old son from a bartender at the punkrock bar in town, a 4-year-old son from another bartender at the punkrock bar in town, and he recently married one of his students who is 15 years younger (and from colombia) … there are plenty of professors at cashpoint who think they’re playas, but this dude really is one … i walked into a strange liquor store with him one time and the girl-behind-the-counter was ready to abandon her post and go to his house in about 30 seconds--there are conflicting theories as to his popularity with women, but i’d go with:  giant cock … he’s not particularly choosy, but who i am to judge? ... he’s also a weed dealer, but in general, i’m not a fan of the sour diesel (and generally only call on him as a favor to annie’s sister) … the last time i was at his house, he broke out the dmt (dimethyltryptamine)--you know, the psychedelic compound that causes the user to see machine elves (the humanoid hallucination of an elf-bouncing-a-ball first coined by ethnobotanist, terence mckenna) … well, i didn’t see any little/green elves, but i did see a vision of cartoon/technicolor hell when i smoked/snorted the compound … before i tell the story, i should mention that if you asked dirt dick what he thought of me, he would prolly respond that i was paranoid (and you would be too if your mother was peeping around the corner watching every cookie you ever ate) … conversely, sitting in a room with dirt dick reminds me of boarding school when one of the richer/kooler kids was trying to dare me into doing something that i didn’t want to do--perhaps i cosmically believe that dirt dick is kooler, but there’s something about his personality that makes me want to keep him at arm’s length … anyway, onto the machine elves … the first time i barely hit the bowl, and when i looked down, i could see red/cartoon swirls for a few seconds … dirt dick was in another dimension for about a minute, and when he came back, he asked me if i saw “it”--when i told him what i saw, he heckled that i didn’t do enough … we smoked again in a few minutes, and i did a little more … when i looked down this time, i saw the same red/technicolor swirls plus millions of tiny dilbert-style (like for office workers) cubicles … when dirt dick came back around the 2nd time, he seemed even angrier that i hadn’t seen “it” and implied that i was a pussy … after about 45 minutes of arguing, i agreed to snort the dmt--this time it “worked”, and i was forced to make a decision … i knew that if i looked down that i would see hell--it would be a red/swirling, tex avery version of hell, but it would still be hell … i knew that the effects of the dmt were only supposed to last 30 seconds or so, but i was afraid that if i looked down that i would be stuck in hell forever … and being the pussy that i am, i wouldn’t let myself look down … i looked up instead--thereby remaining on the right/rational side of the fence … over the years, i’ve prolly done over 200 hits of lsd, but i never did more than one even when my friend, nootie was doing 3-4 … i was always afraid that i would lose my mind and never come back … since doing the dmt, i’ve noticed a few subtle changes in my consciousness (and they say once you do it, you’re never quite the same) … the first change is in my rem “sleep”--usually when my eyes are closed and i’m nodding off, the vision i see in my brain is of my eyes as some sort of vehicle “driving” down a road … since the dmt, i see darkened figures shooting off to the left/right as opposed to a road--maybe you could call these figures “neurons”?--i really don’t know … the second, small thing i’ve noticed occurs when i’m watching a ghost show or scary movie on tv … for most of my life when hearing a ghost story that i believed, i got the chills--well, i still get the same chills in 2016 when i believe, but they seem to be 20 times more intense … i know this section is ostensibly about the life/times of dirt dick, so maybe i should end with the story of his wedding (to a 22-year-old, former student from colombia) … dirt dick decided to have a “big lebowski” wedding at the local bowling alley complete with costumes and memorabilia … i did my part by wearing the costume of the cashpoint mascot i had worn the day before at the school soccer game … one of the more interesting aspects of the wedding was that all the cashpoint nuns were in attendance and one of them even read a scripture verse--and he was marrying a student who was in his class at the time! ... wiseman, giada, and i all ate special brownies, but giada didn’t tell her husband, and i spent most of the evening encouraging her to eat-more-food (so her husband wouldn’t know she was freaking out) … the liquor store was right across the street, so i snuck away from the wedding for about an hour to hang out with my buddy, rob, whose dad owns the place (we watched tv in the backroom and smoked a couple doobies) … supposedly the bride and groom got in a fight at the end of the night because the bride refused a drunk drive home (while the local police circled the block) … the groom eventually made it home unscathed, but somewhere in the mix, he left both his guitar and driver’s license (and there was an outstanding warrant for his arrest because of a 1999 trespassing charge in illinois) … when dirt dick went back to the town the following monday, he was arrested and given a future court date … i never found out what happened after that, but in retrospect, maybe dirt dick really is kooler than me? … my wedding gift to the couple was the fabulous furry freak brothers compendium, so at least they knew my heart was in the right place

The Midnight Rider prefers to remain mysterious.  You could visit his website, but he won't say where it is.  You could read his books, but he won't say what they are.  You could email him, but I'm pretty sure spam@gofuckyourself.gov is not a real email address.  In a world where everyone is repping their Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, sex tapes, line of clothing, new microbrew, virus panic vaccine status, and overall brand, I find that refreshing.  I am happy to have The Rider ride on drinkdrankdrunk.