while we’re on the subject of virgins, i might as well run down the list of coeds i tried to “groom” during my 10-year tenure at shady state . . . “groom” is in quotes as an inside joke for myself--and make sure i’d put your 2 divorces and your 3 abortions up against my predilection for masturbating to facebook pix of former students any time . . . you’re out doing damage in the real world while i’m sitting home alone with the spank towel in one hand and the vaseline in the other . . . for that matter: go fuck yourself--this is my 7th grade dream about carrying a pretty girl’s purse and giving her all my stuff--it ain’t yours . . . facebook pix are a good way to categorize my scopes over the years though and rest assured that THE ONLY FACEBOOK PIC OF ANYONE THAT I’VE EVER TRULY “LIKED” IS ONE WHERE THEY’RE IN A BIKINI OR SITTING ON THE TOILET OR IN THEIR UNDERWEAR . . . if i pretended to like another one of your pix, rest assured that i was stonecold lying . . . before i get to the list, i guess i should describe the key to the shady state student body: ATHLETES . . . aside from a few farmer’s daughters who didn’t want to leave home, virtually every hot girl on my list was a college athlete--no one came to shady state for an education . . . they either came to the school to continue playing the sport that they loved or because they got a full-ride scholarship . . . in other words, would you rather go to the university of iowa or a prop ed school in a bumfuck town? . . . these girls ain’t auburn cheerleaders, and i’m not an auburn professor . . . i usually have high-quality weed though--and there’s nothing else to do in iowa except play softball, grow a moustache, and die . . . you wanna go in alphabetical order?--it’s how they’re categorized in my facebook bikini collection . . .
1) a2 was a smoking-hot, dutch soccer player with a big nose and a killer body . . . she used to bring me homemade dutch cookies after class . . . after she graduated and moved to alaska (to study fish), we became facebook pen pals . . . nothing ever became of our love, but i still dream of that tattoo of a cartoon monkey on her bikini line . . . i think she’s a born-again christian too, so that’s why i don’t mention drugs or curse in our correspondence . . .
2) a3 had red hair and was 6’ tall . . . she would stay after class to have me read her palm and sob because “no one would ever marry her because she was so tall” (and self-hatred is easily the quickest way to my heart) . . . after she transferred to a school in wisconsin, i asked her to a brewers game, and she got scared . . . i’m still her facebook friend, but the best i can do for a2 in 2016 is to like pix of her mangy cat . . .
3) b was a canadian, soccer player with a rock-hard body . . . there’s no real story other than i tried to pick her up in a bar the night before her graduation . . . she was hanging all over me, and we posed for dozens of pix, and i held her hand at last call and begged her to go to the baseball afterparty with me . . . she didn’t, and that was the last time i ever saw her . . .
4) e was a strange case (even by shady state standards) . . . she was a 28-year-old sophomore with a dental hygienist’s body (and that’s a compliment) who flirted with everyone . . . she came from a wealthy family but appeared to be a fuck up . . . she would text me 20 times a night talking about how she wanted to see my house, but she never came over when i invited her . . . she eventually transferred to the university of iowa and then to wisconsin-milwaukee (where she got really fat) and then she dropped out of school to be a personal trainer, and i lost track of her . . . whatever the fuck she was, the facebook pix of her playing ping pong in a bikini with her pussy lips resting on the table will always be in my top 10 all-time favs . . .
5) besides a1, j1 was prolly my best chance at coed love . . . the major difference between j1 and the other girls on the list is that she was actually smart (and gushed about how much she loved me when she gave the shady state valedictory address at graduation) . . . i had dinner with her parents and started driving down to the dirty/river bar where she was the head bartender . . . we went on a couple dates, and the one i remember the most was a romantic stroll along the river . . . the last time i saw j1 was on a random tuesday night in 2012 when i drove down to her bar to surprise her . . . there was a 19-year-old groupie there whom 23-year-old j1 had obviously been serving for years . . . i tried to make nice and periodically the three of us would slip outside to smoke a joint . . . if you want a small sample of the kid’s character, i asked him what he did and he responded: “sometimes my neighbor pays me to help him move shit, but usually i just hang out by the river all day” . . . in the parlance of local culture, the kid was a river rat . . . i knew j1 was a river rat too, but she seemed to have bigger dreams . . . anyway, the three of us closed the bar that night, and eventually we were smoking weed and setting off fireworks in the parking lot . . . at around 4 a.m., j1 informed me that they were leaving and she hopped into the passenger seat of the kid’s 1998 chevy cavalier and drove out-of-my-life forever . . . she invited me to a few house parties after that, but i always made up an excuse not to go . . . per facebook, she married some skinny/bearded/liberal douche this spring--i never met him, but he looked like every other skinny/liberal/douche i had ever met at kent state (and i guess that’s an improvement over mississippi river rat, but not by much) . . . if you’re looking for a moral to the j1 story, i think there are two . . . first, libras have no heart . . . they’re like the wind and blow in and blow out for no particular reason . . . the second moral is that YOU SHOULD NEVER TRUST A BARTENDER . . . they can be sweet/gentle/good for 30 days, and then on the 31st day be snorting crack off their coworker’s bunghole in a bathroom stall--it’s just the nature of the business, and my theory extends to all restaurant workers . . . i guess if your livelihood depended on the tips you made making drinks for assholes, you might live your life on that dime . . . of all the girls on this list, j1 disappointed me the most--and after a lifetime of losing girls like j1 to dudes-whose-mouths-i-wouldn’t-pee-in, i’ll cut cunts like that out of my life as quickly/deliberately as possible . . .
6) at one point, j2 was the most attractive girl at shady state, but then the lipstick lesbians got to her . . . j2 was 5’ and the star of both the shady state women’s basketball and golf teams . . . she was in several of my classes and would sometimes stay late to give me a back massage when no one was looking . . . during the fall of j2’s junior year, shady state got a new women’s basketball coach (who had been fired from her previous position for having sex with her players), and j2 stopped coming to class . . . after a few months, j2 and her coach had matching outfits and haircuts and within 2 years, j2 and her coach left to take coaching positions at another school out west . . .
7) k came to shady state with her high school boyfriend in tow . . . k wasn’t particularly smart or attractive, but she had really long legs, and it was apparent from the scabies scars that she liked to rub up against her boyfriend 24-7 . . . after some random weekend debauchery, her boyfriend announced that he had turned mormon and called off their engagement . . . after graduation, k took a job as a middle school teacher in town and started packing on the pounds . . . i ran into her coming out of a local bar one night and drunkenly invited her to a wedding--she declined, but every 6 months or so she’ll drunk-dial me and tease that she wants to come over (which she inevitably never does) . . .
8) some of my friends would argue that i don’t like fat girls, but i don’t think that’s the case at all--i don’t like divorcees, and i despise single mothers . . . kalifornia k was on the same women’s basketball team as j2 . . . at the time, kalifornia k weighed 150 lbs, but you could always tell that she was a trip-to-the-buffet away from weighing 200 lbs . . . kalifornia k had a beautiful face and was quite pisces-sweet . . . she’d come over to my house to smoke weed, but always stayed loyal to her hometown boyfriend whom she planned to marry . . . eventually they got married, and now she weighs 225 to his 300 lbs (and i respect that) . . .
9) lady gaga is next on the list--the students gave gaga that nickname because she was a platinum blond latina from chicago with marilyn-style piercings and an attitude . . . gaga and i began bonding when she would have to leave class every day at 12:45 to talk to her mom (who was calling from prison) . . . at one point, she even put me on the phone with her mom who cried while thanking me for letting her talk to her daughter during the only time she was allowed to make phone calls . . . gaga was whip-smart too--like i won’t bore you with the details, but basically she let me know that buffers judged her a slut the same way they judged me as fat . . . towards the end of the school year, gaga and her friends would come over to my house to smoke weed 2-3 times a week . . . unfortunately wherever gaga went, a crew of black dudes who wanted to fuck her would follow (and maybe they get laid more than i do out of sheer persistence--either that or it’s their giant schlongs) . . . gaga transferred to iowa state, and she promised to invite me to all the dorm parties, so look for me on the des moines news . . .
10) m-the-thief was never in my class, but she did work at the local cleaners . . . she had short red hair, big titties, and was always high (prolly because she was a drug dealer) . . . she was also a leo and therefore needed constant attention/adoration . . . during that particular period, a1’s sister lived about 5 minutes away and was always coming over to mooch my virginia weed . . . i always gave it to a1’s sister for free because i wanted a1’s family to like me, plus she looked a shitload like a1 . . . i decided to ask m-the-thief if she could hook me up with weed for a1’s sister . . . the transactions went perfectly the first 2 times, but m-the-thief claimed that a “black chicago street gang” stole my $300 from her friend the third time i tried to buy it from her--m-the-thief never offered to pay me back, and i didn’t want to make a1’s sister pay for something she never got . . . i suggested to m-the-thief that she pay me back in adderall, but she never did . . . i also invited her on a date to professional wrestling, but m-the-thief claimed that she hated professional wrestling--and 6 months later, m-the-thief and her new, fat, pennsylvania boyfriend are wearing matching rowdy roddy piper shirts at monday night raw in philadelphia . . . m-the-thief had moved to pennsylvania without ever telling me or paying me back . . .
11) the virgin m is prolly my best shot at getting to 3rd base in 2016 . . . the virgin m is a goody-2-shoes who kinda took up the slack at shady state last semester after most of the faculty and staff were laid off . . . the virgin m was on every committee (including the faculty finish strong committee with me) and organized every dance/tee shirt/dorm party during the final semester before the final closure . . . the virgin m had a 4.0 gpa and was also the all-conference goalie on the soccer team . . . she was a junior last semester and transferred to a private college in dubuque (less than an hour away from me) for her senior year . . . the virgin m’s face is kinda blah, but she has a smoking, little body . . . her dad is a high-ranking republican official in wisconsin (their neighbor is paul ryan) and most of her classmates think she’s somewhere between a snob and a prude . . . so why does the virgin m like me?--i’d like to think that she can see through to the virgin midnight rider . . . she’s barely 21 years old but spent the semester following me around like a puppy . . . she even invited me to a brewers game (chaperoned, of course, by one of her fat friends), and i accepted . . . she texts me every 2-3 days and told me that i was “#1 on her list of shady state people that she wanted to see”--i returned serve by telling her that i’d do my “puppy dance the moment i saw her in the window” . . .
12) p was an hawaiian bombshell who played volleyball for shady state . . . her big brown tits were the size of cantaloupes, and she used to date kris kristofferson’s son . . . she constantly flirted with me (to the point of telling drug stories in lieu of finishing her final comp exam), but then again, she flirted with everyone . . . she was a bit of a mooch too--like she’d promise to come over to smoke, but whenever she did, she brought the whole volleyball team . . .
13) sometimes p would bring z with her . . . z was prolly a lesbian but that didn’t stop her from rubbing up against me any chance she got . . . my best z story has to do with a party at the volleyball house right before the fall of shady state . . . my aunt had passed away in virginia, but i promised z that i would hop off the plane and drive directly to her house (which i did after snorting some adderall and picking up some fireworks as a party favor) . . . about 30 seconds after i arrived, the police showed up to bust the party . . . i zipped inside the front door and immediately threw the fireworks into a hall closet as 50 kids began shouting my name . . . 30 seconds later, the police busted in and kicked everyone who wasn’t a resident out (as i hid in z’s closet with her panties on my head/in my mouth) . . . after the police left, z’s hot blonde sister packed a bowl, and somewhere in the mix, z recorded me smoking weed with her iphone . . . she didn’t tell me about the video until the following week while taking her final exam, but i didn’t really care--shady state was about to fail and besides, i knew that a pair of z’s panties was now hanging on my bedpost . . . you might also wonder why i didn’t get in trouble for being the only professor at a college party when the police came . . . in any other scenario, the lesbian nun would have reported me to the local human rights commission, but in the spring of 2016, the shady state intelligentsia had essentially quit-on-the-job, and there was no one to punish me--the locals all knew i was there, but the corporation could not have cared less . . .
14) in the old days, i always had a shot with tall/fat/ugly girls, but in 2016, they’ve all proudly turned lesbian . . . zz topless was the more tall-than-fat shotputter on the shady state women’s track team . . . we always seemed to wind up at the same parties, and she always wanted to take pictures with me to post on facebook . . . zz topless had red hair and large features and came across as a wannabe sorority girl (shady state had no sororities) . . . zz topless got my attention the night she put her right hand on my left thigh while feeling up her girlfriend’s right thigh with her left hand under the table in a bar--at one point she felt my erection, and i could see that she wasn’t wearing panties . . . of course, she wound up going home and fucking her girlfriend that night, and i was obliged to cheer her on at several incredibly-boring track meets for the rest of the semester . . . zz topless was a bitch, and that wasn’t the only time she made me watch her hook up with another girl--i think she got off on it . . . my prediction: zz topless will be pregnant by a (male) construction worker by the time she’s 28 . . .
15) i saved the story of a4 for last because it sums up the utter futility of my love life . . . a4 went to shady state for 2 semesters but ultimately flunked out (i gave her an A-) due to “performance anxiety” (which you could also read as drug addiction) . . . a4 was a party girl who lived 45 minutes away in yet another river town . . . we kept in touch after she flunked out, and i would periodically visit her in the bar where she was a waitress . . . after about 6 months of popping in, i finally ask her out . . . everything went well (i made her laugh and got her high in the alley), but her female friends kept showing up at the bar to cockblock me . . . i hung in, and eventually we wound up getting high at her uncle’s house at 3 a.m. (and her trashy friends continued to follow us wherever we went) . . . eventually, i gave her a kiss on the cheek and drove home . . . the facebook pix of her licking whipped cream off a stick were nice, so i tried asking her out again 3 months later only to discover that she was 2 months pregnant by a river rat that made j1’s river rat look like johnny depp . . . i’m sometimes obliged to like 2016 facebook pix of a4’s 4-year-old son pretending to be batman in a swing, but if i were king-of-the-world, i’d joker-wrap the chain around the kid's neck and choke him out
The Midnight Rider prefers to remain mysterious. You could visit his
website, but he won't say where it is. You could read his books, but
he won't say what they are. You could email him, but I'm pretty sure
spam@gofuckyourself.gov is not a real email address. In a world where
everyone is repping their Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, sex
tapes, line of clothing, new microbrew, virus panic vaccine status, and overall brand, I find that
refreshing. I am happy to have the Rider ride on drinkdrankdrunk.
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